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For those who haven’t heard (have you been living under a rock?), South Australia’s waste and environmental association, Keep South Australia Beautiful (KESAB), is advocating the abolition of oversized, plate-hanging schnitzels, in an attempt to reduce the amount of food that ends up in landfill.

I’ve written previously about my preferred nickname, Schnitzel, so I regard this unprovoked attack on the size of South Australian Wiener schnitzels as a personal affront.

It’s true. South Australia serves up the biggest and the best schnitzels in the nation. Just take a look at the magnificent specimen of a dirty, great big schnitty at the top of this page. No need for salad. Hell, there’s barely any need for the chips – they’re just for show. That deliciously-golden, deep-fried beauty will do you just nicely. And there’s a defibrillator in the corner if you need it.

Head to Victoria, order a ‘parmy’ and see what you get dished up. You’re sure to be disappointed.  Not so in Adelaide.

Rather than attempting to take away something that makes our state great, let’s celebrate the schnitz. Regulate against standard-sized schnitzels. Penalise the pubs that dare serve up miniscule portion sizes. Shame the pubs that dare to charge more for mushroom sauce. Remove vegetarian fare as an option on our menus. Schnitzel-ise other types of meat: fish schnitzel anyone? Breed longer cows, pigs and chooks to ensure bigger cuts of meat.

An easy solution: get a doggy bag and get a life.

Look at this beauty. That’s my friend Nick’s hand. A schnitzel from the Earl of Leicester.

Photo source (top): Mile End Hotel in The Advertiser

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